l’m feeling centered lately. I’m not sure the exact moment happened, but I feel calm for the first time in months. I’ve let go of my anxiety, anger, and helplessness. By no means is my life perfect, but I’m really starting to enjoy every aspect of it. For the last few months I was consumed by my anxiety, to the point that it was changing me physically. That’s not healthy, for anyone.
I wrote earlier about connections, and how they’re important to me. One thing that I’ve always struggled with is eye contact. It can be really off putting if the person you’re speaking to isn’t looking into your eyes. Meegan coined the term “eye sex” and that has really helped me. It’s not sexual in nature, at all. The term is really funny and it has stuck in my brain, so now every time I interact with people I hear “eye sex” in my head. It makes me chuckle and keeps me aware of my focus. Eye sex is the safest sex in town! You can have multiple partners and not worry about anything! The only (this is debatable) drawback is that people tend to think you’re really into them. I’m fairly certain that the middle-aged receptionist at my son’s future elementary school thought I was really into her.
I had a great counseling session yesterday! My counselor told me she could see that I was doing well just by looking at me. She could see the physical change. Again, my anxiety in the past was changing me physically. It was so rewarding to hear that she noticed the change as well. Now my focus is to keep this progression and only move FORWARD!
It is crazy how much music affects me. I’ll hear a lyric or song and I’ll have an “a-ha” moment. I’ll wonder why I couldn’t say that or express that, since it’s exactly what I’m feeling. Although I would love to pass on someone’s lyric or song, I need to express my own emotions or feelings.
Here’s a confession: I’m seeing a therapist. I’m not ashamed about it, I’m actually quite proud of the work that I’m doing with her. Also, I love going! I feel really centered while I’m there and I leave with a bit of a high. I feel like she’s giving me the tools to allow me to become a better person. I’m not saying that I’m less than a better person, she’s helping me get the best version of Jon out.
When I began therapy, I thought I was doing it all for someone else. That’s wrong, I’m doing it for myself. I want the best version of me, for the benefit of me. I’m learning to love me. No matter what happens in my life, I’ll be with me.
I have an issue with trust. I blindly trust everyone, I take what they say as gospel. This isn’t a bad thing, exactly, but it does leave to a lot of disappointment. I don’t want to stop trusting people, because then I’ll lose sight of all the goodness in everyone. I just think I need to learn to deal with disappointment. People are going to lie to me, I can’t control that. The only thing that I can control is myself, and as long as I’m true to myself, and to others, I’ll be just fine.
Well, it has been quite some time since I last blogged. I’m not going to recap all that has happened in the last several years. I now have two boys, Asher and Jude. I’ve done a lot of looking inward in the last few months. I’ve spent a lot of time with myself and have realized that not many people actually know me. Connections are really important to me, yet why do I have so few? I think a lot of this can be attributed to me throwing all my efforts into my children. One of my biggest fears in life is being a lousy father. Childhood and early adulthood was really rough for me. I felt really alone, almost an afterthought to my parents. My parents were really “hands off” and didn’t spend a lot of time with me. Going away to boarding school and summer camps only afforded me about 3 weeks per year with them. Since I felt so isolated, I am so aware of showing my kids love and joy.
The boys are the best part of Meegan and myself, this is without question. However, there’s more to me than being a good father. I’m a great friend, but I don’t have many here in Washington. My focus for 2014 is building connections. Connections with my wife, with new friends, with colleagues. I’ll be stepping out of my comfort zone, and that is a good thing. One of the best qualities of Meegan is her ability to make friends with anyone. I’ll have to channel her a little bit. This uneasiness has me excited. I’m hopeful for the new connections I’ll be making.
So, I started off the New Year right. I went for a chilly run this morning.Weather.com said that it was 17 degrees this morning, yikes!.
I did my usual three mile jaunt down miller road. It was so nice, there were hardly any cars or people out there, I guess everyone else on the island was too hung over to be out there.
The best part of my run, was crushing my best time by two minutes! Janelle got me this watch/gps/heart rate monitor that tells me all of my vitals. I think that I focus more on this watch than I do the beauty of the island while I’m running. I think that as time progresses I’ll focus more on my surrounding, and not my watch
Thought I would start off 2011 by setting up a blog. Since I’m done with school for a bit, I thought setting up a WP blog would keep my skillz sharp.